The Saga Of Porky's Groove Machine

Dictated by Nick Allen

Once upon a time, there was a man named Porky, who lived on Planet Funk. Unfortunately this funky utopia had been overtaken by an evil, Big Brother-style dictator named Sauron. Sauron had enslaved the people of Planet Funk and forced them to wake up early in the morning and fix trash compactors all day. He outlawed brunch and syncopation.

Fearing that the billion million baby children of Planet Funk would never have the chance to live in a groovy world, Porky developed a plan. He worked tirelessly for years to repair a special trash compactor with enough groove-juice to funk the evil dictator until he could no longer sit down upon his throne of ill-begotten power. He finished his machine, and notified his sexy evil cyborg overseer that he had created the most magnificent machine in the world in honor of its Fearless Leader. Word spread to all the Funkytowns of Planet Funk, and soon Sauron announced that he would visit Porky's work camp in order to inspect this machine.

When Sauron arrived, Porky ushered him into the fuselage of the machine, and with a cry of "Taste my funk, fatballs!" turned on the Groove Machine. Unfortunately, before he could be properly funked out of existence, Sauron used ESCAPE ROPE, and exited the dimension of Planet Funk, travelling to Earth, where he founded Starbucks.

With Sauron exiled from Planet Funk, Porky and the leader of the Planet Funk resistance, Dr. Funkenstein, managed to defeat the sexy robots and restore peace to the planet. However, Porky knew that he could not allow Sauron to de-funkify another innocent world. So he worked tirelessly to discover a solution using the trash of the now unoccupied trash-compactor repair camps.

Since everybody knows that living tissue cannot survive time travel, Porky could not follow Sauron to Earth himself. Inspired by the use of Sauron's lady-robots, Porky set out to build a not-evil sexy robot of his own. Combining advanced funkology with over one hundred empty aluminum cans, he developed the grooviest robot of all time, the T-750; codename: Robeert Beerchild.

"The T-750 is an infiltration unit, part man-part machine. Underneath it's a hyperalloy combat chassis, microprocessor controlled, fully armored, very tough. But outside it's beer cans and tiny shorts. Red Dog, Hamms, Boxer, consumed for the cyborgs."

Robeert would be able to survive the trip through the portal and navigate the Groove Machine successfully to Earth. So, Porky, Robeert, and the Groove Machine all said their goodbyes, and Robeert and the Groove Machine began their epic journey through time and space.

Robeert landed the Groove Machine in Appleton, WI, during Lawrence University's 2011 Trivia Weekend. Although he did not survive the carnage of those few days, his head was retained and successfully stored. As was his dying wish, we have been tirelessly working to recover from his handsome robot brain the secrets and inner workings of the Groove Machine, so that we can present them on the weekends to those who wish to resist Sauron's menacing influence, and the sexy robots that he is certainly developing.

¡Viva la funky revolución!